I have always been fascinated by the spiritual realm, but I never really paid a lot of attention to it until the day you became a part it. My worst day happened 15 years ago yet I still reluctantly remember every moment of it, and now I think that day and the 5,475 days since are playing an important part in my future as I am compelled to write about them. Those days have certainly shaped who I have become, forcing me to become a grownup. I have always felt that I didn’t just show up that day as a coincidence, but that you knew you were leaving and called me to you, holding on until I arrived. Thank you for giving me that gift, it brought me an immense comfort then and still soothes me now.
You were always a very strong woman, and I appreciate that now, though it caused us to butt heads too much. But now remembering the coincidences of my worst day and realizing that I have been making decisions that seemed random but have led me further down the path to writing, I believe that you have become even stronger while in Heaven and are guiding me to what is right for me. Some may say I am imagining the “signs” from you, and maybe I am, but if it gives me comfort to think that you are helping me reach my goals, that’s all that matters to me. I don’t care what they think, especially if they don’t know how horrible this loss is, and I need to hold on to anything I can to get through the hard times.
Mom and me with her other babies
I started freelance writing a year ago, and started working on a book about being motherless. I began a cycle where I would write every day and submit for writing jobs and after many rejections I would become discouraged and not write anymore. Then I would be unhappy because I wasn’t writing so I would start again. The book wasn’t coming smoothly; writers are advised to write about what they know. It was what I knew and I thought there would be an audience willing to read it, but it just wasn’t feeling right. So I stopped working on it and focused on my blog about Peanut and my blogs for two business clients, but it wasn’t enough.
Then I found an ad asking for stories about paranormal experiences, and I wanted to tell the story of my worst day, but I worried that would upset you. Why it mattered, I don’t know, but it was important to me that I have your blessing and make you proud. So I told you I wanted to write about it, and if that was ok with you, please send me a sign, send me an email to my phone. A few minutes later I heard the notification ping that I had a new follower on my blog. I immediately wrote the story and submitted it, and then was selected to be published in a collection from authors across the country, one from every state!
Last month I decided to attend a women’s networking group, and after doing some research and reading about several other groups I chose one that meets near my house. I met someone with a home business who is also a successful writer with a local publisher! Why did I choose that group and decide to go to that meeting? It had been a suggestion on my performance review for over a year, yet I never did anything with it until now.
I found an article about the 10 best work at home jobs, and writer was on the list. No surprise there. The article had a link to a great resource for freelance writers with jobs, articles, and a discussion forum. Deep in the discussion forum there was a group for people who have had spiritual contact with their loved ones! I immediately wondered why there was a forum like that on a writing board, but then realized that I didn’t just find that link, you sent me there. After reading that I decided to go a different route on my book and now the words are flowing and I realize that the hour I have scheduled as my writing time every night flies by and I have to force myself to find a stopping point. It seems to be a lot of coincidences around me again, and I wonder, am I about to have another life altering event, though this time a positive one?
Mom, I get it, you want me to write. Believe me I am inspired now, and won’t let the rejections get to me. I feel I need to tell my story and that sharing my pain can help someone else feel less overwhelmed, lost and alone.Thank you for guiding me, I won’t let you down. This path will lead to good things, but it will only slightly soften the rough edges of the hole in my heart. But it shows me you are still there for me, and I need that, especially now when I feel like I can’t do anything right with my job or my children. Those are letters for another day, letters I wish I didn’t have to write because I could just tell you. I wish for a lot of things since you’ve been gone.
I miss you Mom.