Miss You Monday

Dear Mom,

I have always been fascinated by the spiritual realm, but I never really paid a lot of attention to it until the day you became a part it. My worst day happened 15 years ago yet I still reluctantly remember every moment of it, and now I think that day and the 5,475 days since are playing an important part in my future as I am compelled to write about them. Those days have certainly shaped who I have become, forcing me to become a grownup. I have always felt that I didn’t just show up that day as a coincidence, but that you knew you were leaving and called me to you, holding on until I arrived. Thank you for giving me that gift, it brought me an immense comfort then and still soothes me now.

You were always a very strong woman, and I appreciate that now, though it caused us to butt heads too much. But now remembering the coincidences of my worst day and realizing that I have been making decisions that seemed random but have led me further down the path to writing, I believe that you have become even stronger while in Heaven and are guiding me to what is right for me. Some may say I am imagining the “signs” from you, and maybe I am, but if it gives me comfort to think that you are helping me reach my goals, that’s all that matters to me. I don’t care what they think, especially if they don’t know how horrible this loss is, and I need to hold on to anything I can to get through the hard times.

Mom and me with her other babies

Mom and me with her other babies

I started freelance writing a year ago, and started working on a book about being motherless. I began a cycle where I would write every day and submit for writing jobs and after many rejections I would become discouraged and not write anymore. Then I would be unhappy because I wasn’t writing so I would start again. The book wasn’t coming smoothly; writers are advised to write about what they know. It was what I knew and I thought there would be an audience willing to read it, but it just wasn’t feeling right. So I stopped working on it and focused on my blog about Peanut and my blogs for two business clients, but it wasn’t enough.

Then I found an ad asking for stories about paranormal experiences, and I wanted to tell the story of my worst day, but I worried that would upset you. Why it mattered, I don’t know, but it was important to me that I have your blessing and make you proud. So I told you I wanted to write about it, and if that was ok with you, please send me a sign, send me an email to my phone. A few minutes later I heard the notification ping that I had a new follower on my blog. I immediately wrote the story and submitted it, and then was selected to be published in a collection from authors across the country, one from every state!

Last month I decided to attend a women’s networking group, and after doing some research and reading about several other groups I chose one that meets near my house. I met someone with a home business who is also a successful writer with a local publisher! Why did I choose that group and decide to go to that meeting? It had been a suggestion on my performance review for over a year, yet I never did anything with it until now.

I found an article about the 10 best work at home jobs, and writer was on the list. No surprise there. The article had a link to a great resource for freelance writers with jobs, articles, and a discussion forum. Deep in the discussion forum there was a group for people who have had spiritual contact with their loved ones! I immediately wondered why there was a forum like that on a writing board, but then realized that I didn’t just find that link, you sent me there. After reading that I decided to go a different route on my book and now the words are flowing and I realize that the hour I have scheduled as my writing time every night flies by and I have to force myself to find a stopping point. It seems to be a lot of coincidences around me again, and I wonder, am I about to have another life altering event, though this time a positive one?

Mom, I get it, you want me to write. Believe me I am inspired now, and won’t let the rejections get to me. I feel I need to tell my story and that sharing my pain can help someone else feel less overwhelmed, lost and alone.Thank you for guiding me, I won’t let you down. This path will lead to good things, but it will only slightly soften the rough edges of the hole in my heart. But it shows me you are still there for me, and I need that, especially now when I feel like I can’t do anything right with my job or my children. Those are letters for another day, letters I wish I didn’t have to write because I could just tell you. I wish for a lot of things since you’ve been gone.

I miss you Mom.

Starting Tomorrow…Miss You Monday

Last week I attended a womens networking group, and I met a writer who has a local publisher. She suggested I start marketing my book before it’s completed, and said maybe I could regularly blog about what’s been happening in my life as letters to my mother.

So starting tomorrow, Mondays will be “Miss You Monday.” Although 15 years have passed, I haven’t truly healed from the loss of my mother, but have simply learned how to cope. I will focus on how difficult it is to navigate the new stages of Peanut’s life when I have no one who’s been through it with me to tell me we will eventually be ok.

Her loss still affects me, and sometimes I still don’t know what to do without her. I am sharing my story not for my benefit but for yours, so you know you are not alone.

If you have any suggestions for future letters or for ways to cope, please let me know.

If You Haven’t Bought the Stock It’s Too Late Now

So if you have children you know that sometimes they will announce they no longer like a certain food. Sometimes this now offending food will be something that they would have wanted with them on a deserted island because that is all they were willing to eat for every meal, and you just figure it’s about time they’re sick of it. Then sometimes they announce they hate a certain food and have never liked it even if they did really. Sometimes they didn’t even try it, they just put the very tippy tip of their tongue against it and hate it for the slight taste/texture they received. But then somehow they are forced to take an actual bite, chew and swallow and KAPOW it’s their new favorite food.

Peanut and Bird didn’t like soft taco shells after putting the tippy tip of their tongues against it. She said the texture was weird and he said it just wasn’t what he was hungry for ever in his life. So one day Mr. G said, “You know what, let’s get a taco kit that has hard AND soft shells in it for something different.” Ok whatever, easy meal. It is our rule that they have to actually take a bite to try it, and if they don’t like it, that’s fine but they can only have a bowl of cereal or leftovers we won’t make them their own meal. So on soft taco day Peanut didn’t feel like following this rule and wasn’t getting much response when she complained about the lack of edible food in the house, and Bird decided to just peel the soft taco to eat it.

tortillasKAPOW!

The tortilla became their new desert island food. So now, almost every day they eat dinner, and lunch on weekends, in a soft tortilla, making everything a burrito. Now Peanut has gone a step further and adds instant rice to all her burritos, even if it’s breakfast for dinner night. I don’t fight her on it, at least she’s eating, but I think that sounds disgusting and Bird agrees with me. Which is surprising because I could probably wrap worms in them and Bird would think that sounded delicious since he is a boy and 8, and when he’s not eating burritos he is talking about all the disgusting things he can imagine being a boy and 8.

So now I am buying a lot of soft tortillas, which is why we all really should have seen this coming and bought the stock. Give me a month and then send me recipes to use up all the tortillas they no longer want to eat because they hate them and never liked them in their whole lives.

Please Universe, Send Me Some Acceptance!

So I’ve been doing a lot of digging around the Interwebs looking for writing submission and freelance writing sites. I’ve been responding to a lot of ads. My traffic here on WordPress is increasing, because my website traffic is increasing and they’re all coming here. I’m getting more followers. It seems that should be good enough to prove that people want to read what I write. But I guess it’s that no one seems to think that what I write is good enough to want to pay me for.

I’ve applied to so many writing jobs on Craigslist I had to start a spreadsheet so I can keep them all straight as to what it was and how much I said I’d do it for! And the response, if any, has always been along the lines of  “you’re a great writer but just not what we need now, but thanks anyway! We’ll be in touch the month of never if we ever need anything else!”

And it’s not just in my writing where I’m feeling rejected, it’s with Peanut too. She barely seems to want to have anything to do with me lately unless it involves spending my money or driving her somewhere. Where did my sweet girl go who loved me and wanted to be with me just because?

I was thinking why do I keep trying to write a book and get freelance jobs to leave the 9-5? Why do I keep trying to be pleasant in the face of the hormone monster who just wants to bite my head off without reason? I started another post about rejection and then got discouraged and deleted it thinking no one would care. It’s just all too much lately. I just need one thing to show me it’s worth it, that my dreams will come true.

Then I found this quote by Thomas Edison on Brainy Quote:  “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

Wow, great timing Universe! I put that in the “sticky note” app on my phone so I will be motivated to keep trying. Just one more time….

 

Hateful Things

Sometimes  I feel like I’m not thick-skinned enough to be a mom. I am always walking on egg shells, never knowing what I will say or do or look at that will send Peanut into a hateful rage. And always I am left feeling sad and unloved, though I know that she isn’t really herself, that she doesn’t truly mean the things she says to me. She pushes my buttons and I let her, and that makes it worse because then she doesn’t respect me. But then sometimes I can ignore her, sometimes I can make her angry by repeating a simple unemotional phrase for every hateful thing she says.

On Sunday we spent the day in Baltimore at an Orioles game (Go O’s! They finally won with the G Family in attendance!!) and I was taking pictures and dancing to “YMCA” and chanting with the crowd, and doing the wave, much to Peanut’s displeasure. And I didn’t care what she said to me or how embarrassed she was, I just had fun and did what I wanted. But then tonight she made a comment that was so hateful I can’t really believe she even said it, and even though I tried to, I couldn’t ignore her. I told her a story about having regrets with things I said to Angel Mom and thinking about those regrets every day since, and while her eyes watered, I’m not sure she really got the point. It’s all about her right now and there’s no room for me.

But why is it that sometimes I can ignore the hateful things and sometimes I can’t? Why can’t I be consistent in my peace like she is consistent in her anger? I think sometimes I fear that if I am too cold-hearted it will push her away and I can’t bear that, but I also know that I can’t continue to react to her because that will also hurt me. Which hurt is the lesser of two evils?

It’s times like this that I miss my mother the most. I have no one who really knows what I’m going through with Peanut. Even if Angel Mom told me I was the exact same way with her, at least I would know that eventually Peanut and I would be “good” again, that we would be loving, not hateful. I don’t want to be like oil and water anymore. I don’t like feeling like my child that I love so much can’t stand the sight of me. I just want my sweet little girl back.

 

 

Guess I Can Clean-up Later

Wednesday nights I volunteer at the SPCA’s satellite adoption center in a pet store. I do a quick check to make sure everyone looks healthy and then let the cats out of their cages to play while I clean the cages and feed them.

Usually they like to claim the highest perch on the cat tree, or sit on the log book as I’m trying to read the past week’s updates. But lately I have this:

image

It’s kind of hard to clean litter box scoopers when there is a cat sitting in the sink, who is not bothered when the water is turned on. :) When I filled their water bowls he would put his paw in the stream and then lick it off. He stayed in there for an hour. Who am I to judge how he spends his free time? :)

10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say

If you had told me 12 years ago I would say these things to my children, I would have said you were crazy! But yes, I have actually said these things, and recently too!

1. No, you can’t put a dish towel on the floor for Furbaby G to lay on.
2. Please don’t ride on your sister like you’re on a horse.
3. Why are you in the bathroom with the door closed taking pictures with your iPod?
4. Don’t call your mother an idiot.
5. You don’t like pizza or Mac-and-cheese?
6. Don’t bite your toenails.
7. Don’t put your hands down your pants in front of people.
8. No, you can’t eat chocolate chips for breakfast unless they’re in a pancake.
9. I don’t know how I made it this long not knowing everything like you do.
10. Why don’t you clean up the mess instead of telling me where it is?