Please Universe, Send Me Some Acceptance!

So I’ve been doing a lot of digging around the Interwebs looking for writing submission and freelance writing sites. I’ve been responding to a lot of ads. My traffic here on WordPress is increasing, because my website traffic is increasing and they’re all coming here. I’m getting more followers. It seems that should be good enough to prove that people want to read what I write. But I guess it’s that no one seems to think that what I write is good enough to want to pay me for.

I’ve applied to so many writing jobs on Craigslist I had to start a spreadsheet so I can keep them all straight as to what it was and how much I said I’d do it for! And the response, if any, has always been along the lines of  “you’re a great writer but just not what we need now, but thanks anyway! We’ll be in touch the month of never if we ever need anything else!”

And it’s not just in my writing where I’m feeling rejected, it’s with Peanut too. She barely seems to want to have anything to do with me lately unless it involves spending my money or driving her somewhere. Where did my sweet girl go who loved me and wanted to be with me just because?

I was thinking why do I keep trying to write a book and get freelance jobs to leave the 9-5? Why do I keep trying to be pleasant in the face of the hormone monster who just wants to bite my head off without reason? I started another post about rejection and then got discouraged and deleted it thinking no one would care. It’s just all too much lately. I just need one thing to show me it’s worth it, that my dreams will come true.

Then I found this quote by Thomas Edison on Brainy Quote:  “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

Wow, great timing Universe! I put that in the “sticky note” app on my phone so I will be motivated to keep trying. Just one more time….

 

Hateful Things

Sometimes  I feel like I’m not thick-skinned enough to be a mom. I am always walking on egg shells, never knowing what I will say or do or look at that will send Peanut into a hateful rage. And always I am left feeling sad and unloved, though I know that she isn’t really herself, that she doesn’t truly mean the things she says to me. She pushes my buttons and I let her, and that makes it worse because then she doesn’t respect me. But then sometimes I can ignore her, sometimes I can make her angry by repeating a simple unemotional phrase for every hateful thing she says.

On Sunday we spent the day in Baltimore at an Orioles game (Go O’s! They finally won with the G Family in attendance!!) and I was taking pictures and dancing to “YMCA” and chanting with the crowd, and doing the wave, much to Peanut’s displeasure. And I didn’t care what she said to me or how embarrassed she was, I just had fun and did what I wanted. But then tonight she made a comment that was so hateful I can’t really believe she even said it, and even though I tried to, I couldn’t ignore her. I told her a story about having regrets with things I said to Angel Mom and thinking about those regrets every day since, and while her eyes watered, I’m not sure she really got the point. It’s all about her right now and there’s no room for me.

But why is it that sometimes I can ignore the hateful things and sometimes I can’t? Why can’t I be consistent in my peace like she is consistent in her anger? I think sometimes I fear that if I am too cold-hearted it will push her away and I can’t bear that, but I also know that I can’t continue to react to her because that will also hurt me. Which hurt is the lesser of two evils?

It’s times like this that I miss my mother the most. I have no one who really knows what I’m going through with Peanut. Even if Angel Mom told me I was the exact same way with her, at least I would know that eventually Peanut and I would be “good” again, that we would be loving, not hateful. I don’t want to be like oil and water anymore. I don’t like feeling like my child that I love so much can’t stand the sight of me. I just want my sweet little girl back.

 

 

Guess I Can Clean-up Later

Wednesday nights I volunteer at the SPCA’s satellite adoption center in a pet store. I do a quick check to make sure everyone looks healthy and then let the cats out of their cages to play while I clean the cages and feed them.

Usually they like to claim the highest perch on the cat tree, or sit on the log book as I’m trying to read the past week’s updates. But lately I have this:

image

It’s kind of hard to clean litter box scoopers when there is a cat sitting in the sink, who is not bothered when the water is turned on. :) When I filled their water bowls he would put his paw in the stream and then lick it off. He stayed in there for an hour. Who am I to judge how he spends his free time? :)

10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say

If you had told me 12 years ago I would say these things to my children, I would have said you were crazy! But yes, I have actually said these things, and recently too!

1. No, you can’t put a dish towel on the floor for Furbaby G to lay on.
2. Please don’t ride on your sister like you’re on a horse.
3. Why are you in the bathroom with the door closed taking pictures with your iPod?
4. Don’t call your mother an idiot.
5. You don’t like pizza or Mac-and-cheese?
6. Don’t bite your toenails.
7. Don’t put your hands down your pants in front of people.
8. No, you can’t eat chocolate chips for breakfast unless they’re in a pancake.
9. I don’t know how I made it this long not knowing everything like you do.
10. Why don’t you clean up the mess instead of telling me where it is?

The Results Are In….

cryingAnd I came in 4th, I think. The way they judge it’s hard to know for sure but I know I didn’t win. I’m bummed.

I was up against 4 good stories, and I’m happy that I was good enough to even be in the contest. Thank you if you read and voted. Thank you if you read but didn’t vote. I know that sounds weird to some, but I’m grateful that you are willing to follow me outside of WordPress. Exposure is exposure and I’m glad someone wants to read my writing no matter where it is.

But what upsets me the most is that some people left comments that really weren’t constructive, or nice even. Why? How can I improve my writing by you saying “Well, I don’t see why this story is even posted here, it doesn’t go with the others…. It’s not funny. …It’s not something I care about. …It’s not prize worthy.”

Ok, well the editor thought it was good enough and the other stories didn’t have the same theme either. What can I do about it?

And if you start reading the story and don’t like it, tell me what I can do to help you enjoy future stories! Tell me, “Well I didn’t like the story because I don’t go to yard sales, but I liked how you described telling the lady off. If you could write more like that…” Or maybe “If you developed the characters you saw at the yard sale a little more, I could relate to the story better.” Those are things that help me, not comments to the effect of “your story kinda sucked.”

I did have mostly positive comments, so my feathers are only slightly ruffled. I’m not letting the hateful, unhelpful people stop me from writing. I was looking at some other submission sites and I’m going to keep plugging away on my book. I know successful writers have faced multiple rejections and obnoxious comments before and during their success, and I will learn to shrug them off. I will keep calm and write on.

 

 

 

Why?

Why is it when you get stuck in a bad place and make a hard, conscious effort to change your attitude and how you react to things you can’t control, that the stupidest, smallest thing happens and brings you down and destroys all the pride and happiness you were beginning to feel again?

I wonder sometimes if I’m depressed. Or if I really am the problem.

It’s just too much today. :(

Great News!

I’ve been inspired (and supported by my Daily Horoscope app telling me the time is good for an endeavor I have come back to) to start seriously writing again. I really feel this is what I’m meant to do so I need to get busy getting my words out there.

The other day I was searching for online calls for submissions and found several that may be a good fit. Some are paid and some are exposure only, but regardless I’m able to share my writing and get serious about making writing my career.

So now for the good news….one site features nonfiction by midlife writers. Five stories are selected each week for a contest and the winner gets a cash prize. Even though I am barely eligible to write for this site, I submitted a story and was selected for a contest in a few weeks! :)

When I get the link I’ll share it, and then you can show me the love and Like my story on Facebook and leave a comment. The most likes wins.

Someday maybe you’ll say, I read her first blog before she was famous. :)

Magic Couch Ends Sibling Wars!

Being an only child, I have been asked at least a million times whether I missed having a sibling. I always said, “I don’t know, I guess not.” I figured why would I miss having to share toys and always having someone around to get on my nerves?

But then when my mother passed away, I did miss having a sibling since I had no one to help with the decisions I had to make, and no one who fully understood my loss.

But when I look at Peanut and Bird’s relationship, sometimes I am glad I didn’t have a sibling. I can’t figure it out most times. With hormones about to explode it’s more of a love/hate for Peanut and a love/annoy for Bird. And then it changes when one is sick. It’s almost like an extreme panic sets in.

Yesterday Peanut was complaining about everything that Bird did and said and then he started acting obnoxious on purpose to annoy her, and as usual it brought the statement that we should have had a girl instead of the most annoying creature on the Earth. Sorry I didn’t consider her needs and wants when I became pregnant.

But then he started having a belly ache during dinner and suddenly Peanut changed her attitude. The more he said it hurt the more she worried. She kept telling us he needs to go to the doctor and wouldn’t be soothed by us saying it’s not so serious to need that yet.

So then suddenly she had a belly ache! So they both went to the same couch to lay down and started playing a game on her iPod. The couch must be magical because it wasn’t long before both belly aches were forgotten and Peanut was once again complaining about how annoying he is and she can’t stand him and why couldn’t she have a sister that she would love and care about!

Nope, still not really missing having a sibling, though I wonder if I could use the magic couch to help other families and how much I could charge to create sibling harmony.