Miss You Monday – 12/15/14

Dear Mom,

On the way home tonight I saw a Humane Society billboard for the Penguin Plunge. That made me happy because they are still doing what you started even after 15 years with someone else in charge.

I’ve been busy running kids to practices and games and trying to get ready for another Christmas without you, but I still miss you Mom.

The World’s Best Baker…Doesn’t Live Here

Tonight Peanut and I were trying to make a new kind of cookie with a homemade frosting.

The 1st batch looked nothing like the picture because I didn’t cook them long enough.

The 2nd batch was slightly better but when we made the frosting we realized the recipe was wrong or had a step missing.

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The 3rd batch was left in for “just another minute longer” but we got distracted because today’s date is 12-13-14 so they looked like this.

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I was frustrated and ready to pitch them all in the trash, burnt baking sheet and all. Peanut actually insisted that we try again to make the frosting. She has a cooking class so she’s “an expert at this kind of thing.” So we kept fiddling with the frosting for the non-hockey-puckish cookies and with a little colored sugar to help the poor cookies look somewhat pretty, we got something that is pretty close to what we were trying for.

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So tonight it was made clear that the World’s Best Baker doesn’t live in the G house. I’m ok with that because even though I wasted a lot of ingredients and effort with these Godforsaken cookies, I didn’t waste any time.

Miss You Monday – 12/8/14

Dear Mom,

I find a lot more pennies now. Before, I didn’t know that was actually a thing with meaning, or that there was actually a poem about it. I don’t even remember how I learned about found pennies and that they are not just lost. I don’t just find them on the ground. I find them in my car, in my pockets, in my dresser drawers, in places where money doesn’t make sense to be found.

“Pennies from Heaven”

I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground,

But it’s not just a penny
This little coin I’ve found.

Found pennies come from heaven,
That’s what I’ve been told,
By Angels watching over us
From their clouds of gold.

When an Angel thinks of you
They toss a penny down,
Sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile from your frown.

So don’t pass by that penny
When you’re feeling blue,
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel’s tossed to you.

“In God We Trust” is not a phrase
Just printed on a penny,
It’s something to remember
When your troubles seem like many.

So when you’re down and it seems
Your life has a blue tint,
That penny on a sidewalk
May be truly “heaven-cent.”

~Author Unknown

I always pick them up now, and always feel a little better after finding them. But really, did you have to send your grandson thirty-five cents? Did you hear him say “It’s because Nanny likes me better!”?

Thanks for whatever you send me, Mom. I miss you.

Miss You Monday – 12/1/14

Dear Mom,

Thank you for showing me that you’re still with me when I needed it most.

Last Tuesday I lost my purple bracelet. I have become a fan of purple since you’ve been gone but only have one purple bracelet.

I tore my house and car apart. I sent an email around the office asking if anyone found it. Then I realized I was also at school and karate class and could have lost it anywhere.

That sucked but what could I do about it? So I half jokingly asked you to help me find it and then got over the loss with a mental note to check my bracelets more often throughout the day.

So today it was warm then cold then rainy and it was hard to get back in the groove after being off five days. I noticed it was pitch black at 4:40. I haven’t been able to find any legitimate opportunities and I’m just tired and burnt out and unhappy.

So as I was opening my car door I happened to look down and saw something shiny. My bracelet!

Thanks Mom. Still miss you though.

The Almost Maybe Never Surefire Way to Get What You Want

Whenever Peanut and Bird don’t get their way, they stomp around and yell they hate us aka me, and then slam their bedroom doors. Then, after a few minutes they open the door to shout how unfair I am, remind me they still hate me from two seconds ago, and slam their door again.

Am I supposed to say, “Oh you know what? I have decided that yes you can have whatever ridiculous thing you were asking for, I am so sorry for upsetting you!” Why do they think acting hateful will bring rewards??? And the bigger the request the stronger the freakout. Every single time, and yet it never works out the way they seem to expect it to.

I guess I should give them credit for being persistent.

Miss You Monday – 11/24/14

Dear Mom,

Today was bad. I have the sadness that started last week with my birthday and now will only get stronger as the holidays come and go so quickly. I am frustrated because I am stressed and can’t express it because I’ll hear all the “wrong” answers that will only make me mad and not motivate me. I am angry about everything and nothing. I can’t write and again I struggled with what to write in my letter. I should know how to cope with this by now, or even better, not feel like this at all anymore. And that’s the problem, that it never seems to end, it just ebbs.

I found this quote on brainyquote and it really sums up how I feel. “I wasn’t prepared for the fact that grief is so unpredictable. It wasn’t just sadness, and it wasn’t linear. Somehow I’d thought that the first days would be the worst and then it would get steadily better – like getting over the flu. That’s now how it was.” ~ Meghan O’Rourke

I hope I can get out of this funk soon.

I miss you Mom.

Miss You Monday – 11/17/14

Dear Mom,

This week has been especially tough. Maybe because it was another year gone without you and now I’m closer to being the age you were when you left me. Maybe because it’s been cold, rainy and dreary too soon. Maybe because even though I have love surrounding me I’m still alone, dealing with this on my own.

I was struggling with what to write in this letter and that was frustrating because the others just came and spilled out easily. Why do I feel guilty not having a topic? Isn’t it enough that I just miss everything, that I wish I could go back to a few days before so I could tell you to have your heart checked NOW and prevent this awful loneliness I now live with? I just want one moment of happiness that isn’t clouded by wishing you were here to share it with me.

I miss you, Mom.

Miss You Monday – 11/10/14

Dear Mom,

I’ve been sad this week. My birthday is coming up. For 15 years my birthdays have not started right. They’ve been as ok as they can be without you, but they’ll never start right again.

It seemed like every year you would get up earlier than the previous year to call me and be the first person to sing happy birthday to me, so I would start my special day happy. It was so silly, but it was your special thing you had to do for me and I only pretended I was upset at the early call.  I hope you knew I wasn’t really upset.

And then in the fall of 1998, my last call came but I didn’t know it was my last call. I wish I had known. I would have had you sing it a couple of times so I could have recorded it, because now I can’t remember what it sounded like when you sang it.

In the fall of 1999, my birthday came and the phone was silent. I didn’t want to leave the house because I still wasn’t used to you being gone and I didn’t want to miss your call. Even though it was my birthday I was not as happy about it as I used to be because it didn’t start right.

Now when I wake up on my birthday, I have to remind myself not to wait for the phone to ring.

I miss you Mom.