You Really Don’t Want to Know

Today a new writer friend made the comment that her friend’s mother had recently passed away, even after all these years I still can’t bring myself to say died, and she said to her friend that she doesn’t want to know how her friend feels, but she will be there for her to help her get through it. I said, “No, you really don’t want to know how she feels.” I was not offended by her comment, and hope her friend wasn’t, and I wasn’t trying to offend her by agreeing. Being in the motherless daughter club is not prestigious. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and wish we all would not be sisters through loss.

I also said that I have learned how to be happy in spite of my grief but I have not gotten over it. I will never get over it. I am thankful that people who don’t know how awful this loss is have finally stopped telling me it’s been long enough and they don’t understand why I am still mourning and I need to get over it. They don’t understand and the only thing I need to get over is the need to listen to them or the guilt I sometimes feel because yeah it has been a long time and I have things I should be happy about. But that’s the thing. It’s been 16 years since my life changed forever. The hole in my heart is still as big as it was that last day of my old normal. Time has put a thin layer of new normal over the hole that allows me to have moments of happiness so I can enjoy my new life, but I also now have constant feelings of how bittersweet whatever I’m happy about is because I can’t share it with my mother. Then the thin layer of normalcy gets ripped off, usually by something completely mundane and unexpected, and I’m drowning in the grief again. It’s a constant swing and I can’t stay on the positive side long enough. It’s exhausting at times.

I’ve been very emotional lately. Mother’s Day just passed and soon will be her birthday and then her anniversary. I hate to rush time but it will be easier when August is here and I have a break before the painful holidays begin again. I haven’t written because I’ve been busy with my new job and my fundraising event, and I’ve been ok about that, but it seems that whenever I talk to the woman I talked to today I am inspired to write again. Perhaps Mom is talking to me through her, and giving me “permission” to write about her, or maybe I just have built up enough sadness and it needs to be released and it’s just coincidence that I talked about it today. I don’t know. I just wish that the pain would go away.

Finally a Happy Moment

Every now and then my sweet,  happy child emerges and gives me kindness that I clutch so that I can get through the difficult moods.  These moments give me hope that all will be ok eventually. 

We’ve been running every night so healthy,  home cooked meals are few and far between.  Peanut and I had stopped at Dairy Queen for our dinner and decided to bring home frozen treats.  So I said now watch,  Daddy will decide to stop and bring home treats! 

She laughed at that and imagined what the conversation would be and we went back and forth imagining the possibilities.  It was goofy, but nice because I don’t get to have conversations and laugh with her now. 
When the boys got home,  they did not stop for treats,  which we had talked about that option so we laughed again.  And then Bird took a French fry without asking and just like that my happy girl was gone.  :(

So I wrote about it so I won’t forget. 

She Even Knows More than the Easter Bunny

This morning Peanut and Bird enjoyed a 3-second egg hunt. Some of the eggs contained “Oh candy” while others contained change and bills. 

Peanut found more of the money eggs, so I suggested maybe she should give Bird fifty cents to make it even since I’m sure the Easter Bunny would want them to have the same. 

I guess she thought I wanted her to dump hot oil over her head for the look I got.  She says, “Mom. It was completely random the eggs we found.  If that wasn’t what the Easter Bunny wanted he would have put our letters on the eggs.”

Oh.  Well I guess I can’t argue with that.  Though if she had the lesser amount I wonder if she would have said the same. 

Happy Easter everyone. 

The Calendar Says Spring but…

Sorry everyone, I haven’t fell off the face of the earth. I’ve just been busy with my nephew’s fundraiser.

But I thought I would write about something that happened a few weeks ago when we were in the depths of the frozen tundra of never-ending snow since today was cold again! The calendar says this is day 5 of spring but it’s looking like Mother Nature hasn’t flipped her page yet.

Anyway, before the time change, Bird had 2 or 3 weeks where karate was cancelled due to snow. So on this particular day he was grumpy when I said it’s time to get ready for karate because he assumed it would be cancelled again. He said, “But Mommy, it’s cold and dark tonight. It should be cancelled so we don’t have to go out.” Although I agreed with him, we still went to karate. Mostly to get a warm Subway cookie after class. :)

I Caved Again

Yes world,  there are still people who do not have Facebook. I am no longer able to say that.  I caved today and created an account.

But I have a good reason and I’m not interested in using it for my own updates.  I created an account because I have gone crazy and want to host a fundraiser in my nephew’s honor.  I want a lot of people to come so I created an account so I could create a page event.  He is worth it but I’ve never done this before,  and I need to help somehow, more than making a meal and dessert. 

So when in Rome…. Wish me luck!

Stormy Seas

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Today is surgery day. Everyone seems hopeful and positive so that’s good. 

Last night I had an odd dream.  I was on a cruise ship and then it sank. According to dream dictionary being on a cruise represents an emotional journey.  Stormy weather means I’m dealing with dramatic events and sinking means feeling emotionally out of control. 

Wow. That freaks me out how spot on it is,  and it’s not like I knew that and said, “Hey subconscious self, why don’t  you create a dream sequence about me on a cruise ship to validate my feelings?”

Our family has received an incredible amount of love and support and his journey is just beginning.  I am thankful for that though I’m still struggling with the why.

I Choose Hope

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You always know life can throw a curve ball at you at any time,  but you never really believe that it will.  You go along thinking everything is fine one minute and the next WHAM you are knocked flat on your ass. Then you have to decide how you will react to the curveball, what will you choose to get you through it?

My knockout came Thursday when I found out my 18-year old nephew has cancer. I didn’t know much more than he was going to Penn State hospital immediately. That was scary but it’s the best place for him to be.

Yesterday the unknown drove me crazy. I knew he was having tests and the doctors were forming a treatment plan,  but it was still an exhausting roller coaster ride of emotions while we waited to find out what kind of cancer, his options for treatment,  how severe it was,  etc,  etc,  etc. I also raged at God and prayed,  believing He has a plan but upset at the unfairness of it. The family has already had a tragic loss, now lightening has hit again. 

Then finally, we knew what we were dealing with. Testicular cancer, but localized, so with surgery and chemo he has a really good chance of beating it.

Today I feel better. I believe he will beat this. Our family will be with him along this long road,  choosing hope over despair. 

I Can’t Find the Motivational Quotes I Need

The last time I blogged I said I had a new, positive attitude,  I was finding a lot of motivational quotes, and things were going well with my new job. I was happy.

That’s still true….when I’m at work.  Didn’t think I’d say that did you? :( How many people are truly happy at work? I am now and it’s really not just because I’m still in the honeymoon phase.  Mr.  G. even said he could see the “old” me coming back and it was nice to see. 

I come home and am assaulted by this hateful creature that just sucks all my positive energy away.  Sometimes I don’t even have to do anything but come in the door.  Others it’s because I asked how the day was.  I never really know what’s going to bring the hateful attitude on. 

I don’t have any quotes that make me feel better.  I tried reading books and while they were written well and interesting it was difficult to implement their suggestions and keep with them.  It is difficult for me to ignore and not take it personally. I take things away and she laughs at me. Whatever I say is ignored and she does what she feels like and when.  She tells me she doesn’t need my opinion. We are all annoying and making her mad.  She swears and shrugs it off if we say anything about it.

I don’t know how to stay positive with this aggression. I don’t want to wish time away but I’m just starting the teenage years and already I’m sad and overwhelmed. I wish they go quickly and that we make it through OK.

Positive Words

I started 2015 with a new attitude. I wanted to be more positive and not let things get to me. I decided it was time for good things to happen. 

On the second day of the new year,  I received an offer for a new position,  with more responsibility and more writing, and closer to home. Of course I didn’t really have to think about it and accepted the offer. 

Although I was a little apprehensive about how this news would be received,  I immediately felt my stress lifting. I felt more relaxed and happy,  which I haven’t had in my work life for some time. 

I started my new job this past Monday and the first week flew by! Everyone has been very welcoming and is excited I have joined the firm. I am already busy but am not stressed.

I found this quote on Pinterest: “You will know you made the right decision; you feel the stress leaving your body,  your mind, your life.”  Brigitte Nicole

How true that is! However the work stress leaving me is being replaced by teenager stress! Got any motivational quotes for that?