Father’s Day from an Orphan’ s Point of View

Sorry for the long silence. Things have been a bit rough and I haven’t been able to write. This was written last year, but I felt too vulnerable publishing it. But now I think I need to, to help me as I try harder to stay in the present and not obsess over the past or worry about the future.

“All you had to do was say you’re sorry. I would have forgiven you.” Postcard on http://www.Postsecret.com

I didn’t become an orphan in the usual way, where both parents passed away at the same time. No, that label took 16 years to take hold, the first parent leaving when I was 13, the other parent leaving when I was 29. One left by choice, the other by circumstance.

The one who left by choice was the man who helped my mother have me. When he decided she wasn’t enough woman for him and walked out to be with his girlfriend, he turned my world upside down. I was 13, already dealing with hormones and body changes and mood swings and I didn’t understand. I was angry, and felt forced to spend time with him and felt like he didn’t want to be with me either. Then one day when he dropped me off after a particularly awkward “visit” he said, “I was never a 13 year old girl. I don’t know how to relate to you.” And those were his last words to me.

I have tried through the years to contact him because I couldn’t bear to not be in his life. I realize now he should have tried to contact me, because he couldn’t bear to not be in MY life. My college graduation, my first marriage, the celebration of earning a Master’s degree. I wrote so many letters, some I sent, some I didn’t because I was upset and afraid to send them, telling him, begging him, to come to these events, that nothing from the past would matter. And no response. I don’t know why I kept trying, to be honest. Maybe I thought he wasn’t getting the letters, that his new wife was intercepting them so if I kept trying maybe she would relent or he would get to the mail first. Then his mother died and the obituary said she was survived by one grandchild. I was the oldest of two. But though that hurt me, I still had hope that he would find me and say he was sorry, can we please start over and try to fix our relationship. And I would have!

But then on whatever day I had the service for AngelMom, I knew he would do something to show that he cared for her, for me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him there, it would distract from her if he did come and probably upset me more, but I hoped he would at least send flowers or a card or something. Again, no response, on the day I most needed one. Maybe he didn’t know where I lived but he could have sent something to the funeral home! So that is the day I decided he was dead to me and I was officially an orphan.

But deciding I was an orphan didn’t turn off the feelings completely, I guess because the mind knows you’re lying to yourself, that it’s not factual what you believe. Two months later I married Mr. G, and then a little over two years later I had Peanut, and then four years after that I had Bird, and through all these years I would see him around town. I so wanted to go up to him and say, here are your beautiful grandchildren that you will never have the joy of knowing! I looked just like him, he would always know me right? Of course he would! I never went up to him because I was afraid he would pretend he didn’t know me, and by rejecting me again he would reject my children as well and they didn’t deserve that. I couldn’t bear that. So I kept quiet and made myself miserable.

What’s funny is that those hateful last words put me on a path for what I thought was normal male behavior. Three boyfriends followed after he left us, one almost turned into a husband, and one did turn into a husband, and they all felt that I wasn’t enough for them and found another woman, yet I felt it was my fault. I was a teenager or in my early 20s, I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted, how could it be my fault???? Did any of them really love me? I don’t know. It made me distrustful and guarded and reluctant to love.

I did have positive male influence in my life, and I appreciate those men who were or still are in my life, and the new men who have accepted me as family! But it’s not the same as the blood relationship and believe it or not, Father’s Day is almost as unbearable as Mother’s Day! It’s the same ache, same jealousy I have watching other women with their mothers. My children will only have Mr. G’s parents as grandparents and that makes me sad. But unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t try anymore. He doesn’t want to be in my life. I have to accept it. And yet, I will still think of him today and wonder if he thinks of me too. I can’t help it. I wish I could. He has hurt me enough.

To the man who helped my mother have me: None of this is my fault. It’s yours. All you had to do was say you’re sorry.

Two Unfamiliar Sights

There are two things I haven’t seen in so long I almost forget what they are…. The sun and Peanut’s several thousand dollar smile. 

The April showers haven’t brought May flowers but more showers! And Peanut has been dealing with school drama and me and Bird being annoyingly alive… So she has been a bit moody.  I know such a surprise!!!!

So of course when she asked to go grocery shopping with me late Friday night, I said sure that would be great but thought something else completely different! Yeah I said it, any parent of a teenager would totally back me up here!

She was wearing long sweatpants, and when she got out of the car she stepped in a puddle and her ankles got wet. So she rolled her pants up ridiculously high so they looked like shorts, but until she ran into the store one leg had unrolled and the other was half unrolled. She said “OMG MOM!!!! I HOPE I DON’T RUN INTO ANYONE I KNOW!!!!” I said she was probably safe that late on a rainy Friday night. 

As usual when she is with me, there were alot of foods in the cart that she loves in the store that will be despised as soon as they are in the house. But she was happy so I was happy!

But somehow I left my teenager in the store and picked up another.  It was raining again when we left the store,  and this strange girl says, “Get in the car Mom, I will unload the groceries and take the cart back.”

Funny, she also had her sweatpants rolled up so they wouldn’t get wet! Wonder if she knows Peanut?

She Knows Me Too Well

So Peanut had a fun day and spent the afternoon shopping at a large mall with a couple friends. Bird had a fun day playing at his friend’s house. I thought I had a fun day doing next to nothing reading, coloring and playing solitaire on my Kindle, but now I realized I forgot to get the wine out and celebrate a quiet house so I didn’t have as much fun as I could have!!!

Anyway. 😛

Peanut comes home and tells me everything she bought and excitedly tells me she got shorts buy one get one free for $40!!! She was not too impressed when I said that’s a common trick to make them more expensive but you are actually paying the regular price for two then. “OMG MOM YOU DON’T KNOW FASHION!!!” 

Sigh. 

So then she proceeds to show me what she got. And it was interesting in that each item became shorter, tighter, and more revealing as she got closer to the end of the items! And also interesting was that before I could say Oh HELL no she quickly informed me,  “OMG MOM!  IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS YOU WEAR A TANK TOP UNDER IT OR A JACKET OVER IT!!!  ALL THE KIDS WEAR IT LIKE THIS!!!!”

So I guess it’s good she knows what I am going to say when and knows how to work it so I am not upset immediately. Maybe I should tell her next time wait to show me until after I had some wine. 

Your Enjoyment of Life has Expired!

One year and almost 2 months of teenage hell done, only 5 million more to go! I seem to have written the same thing last year at this time! She hasn’t been home long enough for me to have new material,  so that’s why I have been “quiet.” Hey, she blames me or Bird for everything, and this is my blog so of course it’s not MY fault!

Anyway. You know you missed me.😛

A few weeks ago the G’s traveled to this crazy large sports arena “city” in a nearby town for Peanut’s volleyball tournament. As we were driving she actually talked to us! I know, I wondered if she forgot she was with her stupid, annoying, embarrassing parents! So she informs us that M’s boyfriend was coming to the game. M is also 14 so being like most stupid, annoying, normal parents, we said oh my 14 is too young to have a boyfriend!!!

Peanut did not agree. She said, “OMG MOM!” (because I was there so she must yell remember, and even though her father actually was more upset by this news, she replied to me) “NOW IS THE TIME TO ENJOY LIFE!!!!”

Oh. Well, I wish I had known there was an expiration date for enjoying life. Good thing I had Peanut to tell me my life has been unenjoyable for the last few years!  She is so good at clearing things up!

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Definitely the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time!

As I was leaving work yesterday,  hours before this was my view, 

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I was behind a car with Florida plates.  I cracked myself up thinking, buddy you are definitely in the wrong place at the wrong time!!!

Even Furbaby G is mad he can’t see outside!

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And so Northeast winter begins….

Nothing is Safe from Sibling Rivalry

The East Coast is bracing for our first significant snowfall. We were all just fine with the temperatures in the 60s last month so what the heck Mother Nature????

Anyway, in case you don’t have children, I need to tell you that no kids anywhere would be caught dead in any clothes that are cold weather appropriate! Especially winter coats because they are too bulky and hot and make them look uncool. Yes really. I can’t make this up.  Look outside if there are kids in your neighborhood and you will see the truth!

So yesterday it was 20 something degrees and felt like 20 below so naturally Peanut wears a light sweatshirt and no gloves. Because the sweatshirt matched her sneakers duh!

When she got home she called me and said, “OMG MOM!!! ONE OF MY FINGERTIPS IS WHITE AND NUMB!!!! AM I OK????”

I asked if it hurt and how long it had been like that and she said that it didn’t and not long.  I said well we will have to keep an eye on it but it’s probably just her hands got too cold from not wearing gloves and her body was probably telling her make it warm or she’d get frostbite. 

So then when Bird gets home Peanut tells him immediately she has frostbite! So then Bird calls me and says in his cute little boy voice, “uh Mommy? I was informed that Peanut has frostbite,  is that true????” and I swear he had a bit of a WTF tone!!! Look Lord, he isn’t even 10 yet,  I don’t need him to start with the Tween attitude yet OK????? Thanks!

So anyway,  I tell Bird, no she probably doesn’t have frostbite, I said she could get frostbite if she didn’t wear gloves!

He says Oh, good, because he didn’t want her to get a sticker from the doctor and he didn’t get one too. 

No God forbid, he wouldn’t want to miss out on a sticker. That wouldn’t be too cool. 

Peanut’s Ponderings

So today is Peanut’s 14th birthday, and I have no idea how that even happened because 1. I just brought her home yesterday and 2. I am not old enough to have a 14-year-old!😛

So I was kicking around some ideas like warning you to get off the roads in 2018 since she will be driving, gulp, or being kinda sad sappy remembering my sweet baby that used to be happy to see me. But then I thought, it’s a blog about her,  maybe she would like to write something. And guess what, she did want to.  So WordPress world, I’d like to introduce my favorite daughter,  the Peanut of Yay! More Gray!:) Minor edits the English Major in me couldn’t help, but her thoughts…..

This is Peanut and this is the awesomest thing ever I’m going to be old someday like that old guy from Up.  U know that movie.  Yeah well I’m fourteen today and I’m so excited to be with my friends and everybody AND I’M WRITING ON A Blog.  I really AM getting older cause I NEVER get to write on a blog. I have to say my birthday went pretty well a lot of people said happy birthday and I got Dairy Queen and pretty little liars five years forward is premiering on my birthday which has to be the best!  Plus this new series looks so cool it’s called Shadow hunters and it seems pretty cool.  Anyway back to the old guy from Up He’s kinda awesome cuz he’s hilariously grumpy and his house is pulled by balloons and I don’t really connect with him I just wanted to reference him cuz he’s like the only cartoon old guy I remember from all the movies I have seen in my fourteen years of life.  So shout out to the old guy (P. S.  Sorry I forgot his name I only remember his wife’s name was Ellie)  anyway he still has adventures as he’s getting older so I guess I hope my years as I get older I keep going on adventures and having fun.  So now that I’ve gone on about my birthday I want to say something to everyone who reads my mom’s blog. I must say she makes me quite dramatic BUT I’M A TEENAGER IT’S WHAT COMES WITH THE AGE.  Sorry mom u only have to deal with it for now.  Not much I can do.  I’ll try my hardest to be good but i guess I’ll come up with a saying since u think it’s pretty bad.  Let’s call it the TRAUMATIC TEENS.  Cuz u know…  I am a TEEN. I can’t even believe it.  Two years till I drive.  Four years till graduation.  Starting high school next year. As quoted by my mom only 36 YEARS till I can date.  Yes that’s right.  My parents are a little crazy.. I know.  But I guess I’ll have to convince them.  I mean I gotta say I pull off the lazy but outfit on the weekend so I might have guys after me soon and my messy crazy hair is pretty easy to pull people in too.  *sarcasm intended* Oh well I guess they’ll have to be convinced.  I’m sure you’ll hear about that from my mom. 

So let me tell you 10 things about myself since I’m writing this right now and it’s pretty fun. 

1. I LOVE donuts they are so amazing shoutout to maple donuts.  I remember when I was younger every Friday we got a coupon from the newspaper for maple donuts and my dad would drive through the drive thru on the way to daycare in the morning and me and “Bird” as I was informed he goes by would chant DONUTS DONUTS until my dad each handed us our six donut holes.  Two chocolate two glaze for me and five chocolate one glaze for Bird. 

2.  I recently fell in love again with One Direction.  I mean Harry Styles is so darn cute and Louis Tomlinson is the perfect one and totally flawless.  Then there’s Niall who will never change and Liam who now has facial hair but is just the romantic and adorable one.  Shoutout to them too. Their new album Made in the AM is amazing.

3. I love Aeropostale and Hollister the most however bath and body Works is SO ADDICTING their scents are amazing and the sanitizers are cheap so I buy like five each time… Oops.

4. My favorite movie of 2015 was every one I’ve ever seen last year.  I love every one and they’re all so amazing I can’t pick.

5. Furbaby G is my favorite little furry fatties ever.  He’s so darn cute.  He’s all muscle but I call him anything from (and don’t judge)  fatty wop,  fatty,  fatty babes,  and about 100 other names.

6. My favorite disney movie is probably Belle from beauty and the beast she’s so sweet and pretty and kinda resembles me with hair color and eyes and stuff.  She’s pretty cool and gentle with beast.  They’re couple goals. I ship them(in case you’re like my mom and don’t understand it means they look cute together and I agree they should date.)

7. Even though I’m 14 I wish I still had time to do webkinz or Barbie or something cuz I’m growing up too fast and I still love those as an inner child and I miss it. 

8. My current favorite color is mint Green but I’m sure I’ll change my mind by like next week I love most colors anyway so it doesn’t matter.

9. I have some major issues with the sound of stryofoam, nail files,  chalkboards, nails on paper, etc.  I can’t go on its making me cringe I don’t understand how people can make those horrendous sounds and not almost kill their ears. I want to go deaf everytime.

And FINALLY
10. I LOVE food.  I love chips, ice cream, soda, cake, pasta, spaghetti, APPLESAUCE, frozen strawberries, broccoli, potatoes, corn, chex mix, basically any food that tastes good.
So that’s my life story(JK😂😛)  BUT THAT’S MORE ABOUT ME!! I’m “Peanut”  and like Looney tunes would close…  That’s All Folks!  Have a nice night everyone and enjoy growing older till up the old man from Up that everyone should strive to be.
– The Famous PEANUT😘💕👋

Well if I Answered….

Bird and I were waiting in line to pay a bill. He was playing on my phone when Peanut called. So he gave me the phone but didn’t answer. Because it’s my phone so I should answer it, you know. I would hate for Ian Somerhalder to call me and think he had the wrong number! God forbid!

When I said hello, Peanut very rudely said “WHO’S THIS??????”

I responded, “Uh, your mother, who the heck did you think it was?” Because you know I don’t say bad words and she hasn’t ever heard them! And because I was answering my cell phone! God, I am horrible.

She thought it was Bird. Ok I guess that explains the rudeness because she is almost as hateful to him as she is to me.

But it actually gets better! She says, “BRING ME FOOD. CHICKEN.”

So I say what most parents would say, “Please and thank you would be nice.” And she says what she always says, “YOU’RE WELCOME!!!”

Sigh.

Don’t worry Ian, I will be too surprised when you call to care about your manners.

So Beary Obvious

Bird likes a cartoon on the Cartoon Network called We Bare Bears. It’s about three bear brothers who talk and go out into the world and interact with humans.  Perfectly believable!  Sometimes they even have jobs like helping people place an order with customized cupcake vending machines!  That actually sounds like a pretty cool idea but I digress. 

So the cartoon isn’t too bad per today’s cartoon standards, though it’s not Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner or so I have heard since I am not old enough to remember the great cartoons!  Ahem!

Boy lots of shiny objects today on this end of year eve eve!!!!😛

Anyway.  So the only thing that bothers me about the talking bears that go into the human world with no problems is that one is a grizzly bear, one is a panda bear, and one is a polar bear!

So yesterday I asked Bird if they were friends. He says no they are brothers! So I say Oh well they are all different kinds of bears! How can they be brothers? Because you know parents don’t have a clue what is going on in the world,  even if it is a cartoon world with talking bears!

Then Peanut stated the obvious with OMG MOM! DIFFERENT DADS!!!!

Oh. How Beary obvious. Being able to make a pun slightly makes up for the fact that Peanut knows what having different fathers means.

I need a cupcake.  Know any talking bears that can help me with the vending machine? Or maybe a coyote that knows how to order stuff?

That’s Why I Had Kids

There’s a joke that you have kids to shovel snow for you.  Well since it is currently looking like East Coasters will not have the need for shovels this year with Temps in the 60s in December, I had to find another reason why I had kids. 

I was talking to myself wondering if I had taken a shower last night or Sunday night. Peanut so gently told me OMG MOM! IF YOU CAN’T REMEMBER IT WASN’T LAST NIGHT!!!!!

If I had kids to state the obvious to me,  I am not sure what was in it for me.  Maybe if I take a shower I will remember the real reason why I had kids.