“Here’s a thing about the death of your mother, or anyone else you love: You can’t anticipate how you’ll feel afterward. People will tell you; a few may be close to right, none exactly right.”
So last night I received awesome news….someone wants me to write one business blog post as a test, and if that goes well then I will be hired for a long-term project! 😀 I have started down the path leading out of the office!
And even though it’s been 14 years, I still thought of calling Angel Mom, and then wished that I was ABLE to call her. I often tell Peanut and Bird that I would give 10 years of my life to talk to Angel Mom again for just 10 minutes, even if she yelled at me the whole time. Of course they don’t get what I’m saying, and I’m glad they don’t. I hope they don’t understand for quite a long time.
She was my biggest supporter, and knew I would be successful at whatever I set my mind to. She would have said, “I told you so!” when I told her people are starting to think I’m good enough to write for them, and are accepting my rates without hesitation. She would have told everyone she saw whether she knew them or not. She would have been proud of me like no one else can ever be.
I know there’s a reason that she’s gone, and that she’ll be waiting for me. But I still struggle with how I feel about that. This has forced me to make decisions I wasn’t ready to make, and to become a person who’s not so carefree anymore. Sometimes I feel stronger for all this, sometimes I feel weaker for it. I am adrift with no one to give me what I most need, the unconditional love and support of my mother.