Good Thing I Won’t Need Much!

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
~Dean Martin
Tonight confirmed that I will need to spend the next eight years until Peanut is out of the teen years in a drunken stupor. Now luckily I’m a lightweight, so a drink or two a night would probably be enough!
Lucky Mr. G is away Thursdays and I usually make breakfast for dinner, but I didn’t feel like cooking so said we could go out to eat. Then Peanut and Bird proceed to argue over pizza (Bird) or McDonald’s (Peanut). So I pick pizza because honestly it just sounded better! Well that was the wrong choice because clearly Bird is my favorite!
So then because I don’t want her to think that and be upset I say fine we’ll go to McDonald’s but we’re not eating it there. Well that was the wrong choice because now I lied and we’re not really eating out.
Then I wouldn’t let her have a soda, which we never do on school nights. Then I wouldn’t let her have any candy after she ate because I can’t see she’s still hungry and candy is just right to fill her up.
This is all pretty mild and normal, but the need to get drunk began when I went upstairs for 5 minutes to get out of my work clothes. I hear a thud, and then Bird sounding really strange says, “MOM!!!!! Peanut kicked my tooth out!!!!” What??? No he couldn’t have said that. So I made him repeat it and now he’s coming upstairs and I can tell he has a mouth full of something and even with mumbling around blood he says what I thought I heard him say.
Apparently he was trying to kiss Peanut and she didn’t want him to and she couldn’t get away from him so she kicked him and the tooth that I didn’t even know was loose was pushed out. Now obviously that would be a pretty slick trick for him to make up and have it be believable that she wasn’t anywhere close to him, so I called her up to find out her side.
Me: What —
Peanut: (interrupting) OMG AM I IN TROUBLE? DID YOUR PRECIOUS ANGEL GET HURT? DO YOU BELIEVE HIM THAT I DID IT????? (So that pretty much confirmed that Bird was in fact telling the truth.)
Me: Well did you kick him?
Peanut: NO! Well maybe I did but what else was I going to do when he was coming at me??????
So I explained that wasn’t the best choice to make and we don’t kick people, and she proceeded to scream all kinds of ridiculous things at me and then started in on Bird who really didn’t seem bothered by all this and was back to his usual chattering self telling me that it was good the tooth came out because now he can bite into the school’s chicken patties without his tooth hurting because it was loose enough that he had to bite sideways to not hurt his tooth. Then he settled into bed and the last thing I did to confirm that he is indeed my favorite that Peanut had to yell about was that I said goodnight to him first! Which I do every night because she’s older so gets to stay up a half hour later but I guess she never really knew that.
So you see, I don’t know what to do or say to make Peanut happy, but I do know that mixing Kahlua with just about anything will make me VERY happy. There’s my favorite.

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