Hard Decisions

It’s a rainy, cold Sunday and so I spent the afternoon writing about the most depressing topic I can: dealing with Angel Mom’s passing. Bird was putting together a ginormous Lego set and wanted me to sit with him, so I brought the laptop down and attempted to clean out my “online” email. I deleted about 300 emails :O and then got bored with that and decided to work on the book I decided to publish myself after my nonfiction story was selected to be published in a collection on Amazon. Check it out, I’m Pennsylvania! I decided to write about Angel Mom and how I have dealt with that loss and hopefully help other people who are or have gone through the grief of losing a parent.

So anyway,  I’d like you to read this excerpt and tell me what you think. I feel like it’s not quite finished, but maybe you think it is and it reads/ends just fine. If you want to read another excerpt, please see my previous post I Don’t Want to Look at the Stars. More excerpts will come soon. Thank you, I appreciate everyone reading my blog!
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Very early on the morning after she passed away, I had to start making decisions about what to put in the obituary, where to have the viewing and service, what to dress her in, whether she should be buried or cremated, whether or not to donate her organs. I had no idea what she wanted because we never talked about these things. Of course she was only fifty when she passed away so I didn’t feel that it was an urgent issue to discuss either. So I made the decisions as best I could and hoped that it would have been what she wanted. I think what made this so stressful is that I did not have any siblings to share this responsibility with, there was no one to take charge to help me. My aunt could have helped me, or my mother’s companion, but they didn’t have the authority to decide for me. Plus I was in a numb state of mind, exhausted from sobbing all night, how can I be expected to make such important decisions?

I still remember a dream I had a few days later. Mom and I were sitting in her bedroom talking about the funeral and all I had done and how nice it was that so many people came to pay their respects. I don’t remember exactly what she said to me, but I woke up feeling that I had done everything right, and that there wasn’t anything for me to be sorry for and she was pleased. I believe that our loved ones visit us in our dreams since we are not always open to or able to see them when we’re awake, so this dream really helped me to come to peace with the decisions I made.

For the most part, I don’t have any regrets about the decisions I made because they seemed to be right in my heart. The only one I do regret is that I did not donate her organs. I knew her heart probably wouldn’t have been a viable organ because she died from a massive heart attack, and later it was confirmed that she had heart disease. I suspected her lungs and liver wouldn’t have been good because she smoked most of her life. No one called me for these anyway, so I guess they knew at the hospital not to bother asking. But on the night she died, someone did call for her eyes, and I had to decide right then, yes or no will I help someone else see. I chose no. For some reason I couldn’t bear it. The man assured me no one would be able to tell at the viewing, but I just couldn’t do it. I honestly don’t know why it mattered, or if it really mattered. I suspect it was just too much for me to handle while I was still numb from the shock of her dying and I wasn’t thinking clearly. That’s what I tell myself anyway, but the guilt of that one decision out of so many still lingers. I did the best I could, why isn’t that good enough for me?

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