Still Vivid After 15 Years

Even though it will soon be 15 years since Angel Mom became my Angel,  and it certainly most of the time doesn’t feel like it’s really been THAT long, I still remember a dream I had a few days after her funeral.

I was the only one making all the decisions, and unfortunately we never talked about what she wanted so I really had no idea what I was doing or if any of it would have been what she wanted. In my shock and daze I made decisions I regret now, but at the time I couldn’t think clearly. As the funeral director patiently asked me about every detail I never imagined, I struggled with every answer I gave. It wasn’t enough that I had this enormous grief, and the guilt about all the nasty things I’ve ever said to her, I had to have anxiety that I was failing miserably at this last thing I had to do for her.

So I somehow decided which details to say yes to and which to say no to, and got through the 2nd worst day of my life. I alternated between sobbing, numbness, and regret that I didn’t do this instead of that for her.

I think it was the 2nd day after her funeral when I had this dream. We were sitting on her bed and I started telling her about the funeral and how nice it was that so many people came, and most of them knew me even though I had no idea who any of them were. It comforted me that she had touched so many people’s lives and that she had talked about me so much to them. I told her all the details…what I liked, what I didn’t like and said I was sorry I didn’t handle it properly. She told me it was just fine and she was happy with everything and I did the best I could do. I asked her why she had to go and she said she couldn’t tell me now and I can’t ask anymore. And then suddenly I woke up, I tried to go back to sleep to keep the dream going but of course it didn’t work. I did feel very peaceful, although sad that the dream was really just a dream.

Some people, myself included, believe that loved ones visit us in our dreams because we can’t see them when we’re awake, and it’s easier for them to communicate with us when we’re in a trance-like state. Isn’t this a lovely thought?

May everyone have the dreams they want to have every night.

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5 thoughts on “Still Vivid After 15 Years

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