Sometimes I feel like I’m not thick-skinned enough to be a mom. I am always walking on egg shells, never knowing what I will say or do or look at that will send Peanut into a hateful rage. And always I am left feeling sad and unloved, though I know that she isn’t really herself, that she doesn’t truly mean the things she says to me. She pushes my buttons and I let her, and that makes it worse because then she doesn’t respect me. But then sometimes I can ignore her, sometimes I can make her angry by repeating a simple unemotional phrase for every hateful thing she says.
On Sunday we spent the day in Baltimore at an Orioles game (Go O’s! They finally won with the G Family in attendance!!) and I was taking pictures and dancing to “YMCA” and chanting with the crowd, and doing the wave, much to Peanut’s displeasure. And I didn’t care what she said to me or how embarrassed she was, I just had fun and did what I wanted. But then tonight she made a comment that was so hateful I can’t really believe she even said it, and even though I tried to, I couldn’t ignore her. I told her a story about having regrets with things I said to Angel Mom and thinking about those regrets every day since, and while her eyes watered, I’m not sure she really got the point. It’s all about her right now and there’s no room for me.
But why is it that sometimes I can ignore the hateful things and sometimes I can’t? Why can’t I be consistent in my peace like she is consistent in her anger? I think sometimes I fear that if I am too cold-hearted it will push her away and I can’t bear that, but I also know that I can’t continue to react to her because that will also hurt me. Which hurt is the lesser of two evils?
It’s times like this that I miss my mother the most. I have no one who really knows what I’m going through with Peanut. Even if Angel Mom told me I was the exact same way with her, at least I would know that eventually Peanut and I would be “good” again, that we would be loving, not hateful. I don’t want to be like oil and water anymore. I don’t like feeling like my child that I love so much can’t stand the sight of me. I just want my sweet little girl back.