It’s hard to believe after 15 years I still think about calling you to tell you the good, the bad, the boring, anything to just talk to you. At least I don’t pick up the phone anymore, I just think about calling you.
The last few weeks I’ve had plenty I’ve needed to talk about, not much of it good. Mr. G is the only one I have to talk to, but sometimes he gets tired of hearing about it, or he tells me I need to speak up and stop letting everyone take advantage of me, or he says Peanut acts the same way with him and I need to let it roll of my back like he does.
But Mom, I don’t care if he’s tired of hearing about it, if he thinks I’m weak, or if he has the same problem, which he doesn’t. I don’t need him to fix my problem, I just need him to listen to me, no matter how long it takes or how often I’ve said it. I need him to be like you, willing to talk to me about anything I want to talk about, anytime.
I talked to you a lot once I was old enough to appreciate you, and sometimes I didn’t really want to but felt I had to since you were my mother. And it’s one of the things that I really miss now that I don’t have it. Sure I could talk to my mother-in-law, but it’s not the same. She might just be listening to be polite, who knows?
I talk to you now, but I can’t hear your response, and that’s what I need. I need to know that it will be ok, that my feelings are valid, that what I said was funny, that the person I’m mad at was wrong or I’m being dramatic and I’m wrong. It doesn’t really matter what you would have said. It just matters that I could tell you and know you were listening.
I miss you Mom.