“In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.”
The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint Exupery
It was a busy day today doing stuff around the house. Angel Mom’s anniversary is next week so I think I was making myself busy so I wouldn’t think too much and be sad. This is the last and worst event of the annual miserable with grief period, so no, I really don’t want to have any more sadness piled onto what I’m going to feel, and what I have already felt.
Apparently that doesn’t work for everyone. I was asked why I was sad, since she didn’t pass on today’s date, the anniversary is next week. Thanks so much for that reminder! As if I could ever forget! Now, I do understand that thinking because this person’s mother is still alive, but still, that is simply an insensitive statement in my opinion.
Maybe I’m sad because I feel as if I’m failing as Peanut’s mom, and can’t ask the only person besides me who knows what I was like at 13 for advice. Maybe I’m sad because Bloom County has returned after 25 years and Angel Mom would be beyond ecstatic at that and would likely still have her enormous stuffed Opus on her bookshelf, and I miss her laughter. Maybe I’m sad because I am reminded that I have no blood relatives who are not my children who love me. Maybe I’m just sad. Why do I need a reason, and why must I only feel this way when the calendar says it makes sense for me to? Believe me, I would much rather know I would be sad only on holidays, her birthday and her anniversary and the other days I would be the happiest person on earth. But it doesn’t work that way. Yeah it was 16 years ago but I still remember every second of that day like it happened five minutes ago. God, how I want to forget! There are always random days where something reminds me of what I’ve lost. Grief truly does ebb and flow but never goes away. So please don’t tell me what I need to do or when for getting through this tsunami of grief. Yes it was a long time ago but an event that turns your life upside down and inside out can’t just be gotten over. After next week I will return to my new normal self, please be patient and don’t judge me for still feeling however I feel!
So until you really understand, you don’t really understand. You don’t get to tell me when it’s OK for me to be sad. My sadness comes when it wants whether it is her anniversary day or a random day. But it’s mine, not yours. I’ll deal with it the way I need to, as much or as little as I need to. You can help me by just saying you’re there for me. That’s all I want to hear.