Sad Saturday

“In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.”
The Little Prince,  Antoine de Saint Exupery

image

Just two years before...

It was a busy day today doing stuff around the house. Angel Mom’s anniversary is next week so I think I was making myself busy so I wouldn’t think too much and be sad. This is the last and worst event of the annual miserable with grief period, so no, I really don’t want to have any more sadness piled onto what I’m going to feel, and what I have already felt.

Apparently that doesn’t work for everyone. I was asked why I was sad,  since she didn’t pass on today’s date, the anniversary is next week. Thanks so much for that reminder! As if I could ever forget! Now, I do understand that thinking because this person’s mother is still alive, but still, that is simply an insensitive statement in my opinion.

Maybe I’m sad because I feel as if I’m failing as Peanut’s mom, and can’t ask the only person besides me who knows what I was like at 13 for advice. Maybe I’m sad because Bloom County has returned after 25 years and Angel Mom would be beyond ecstatic at that and would likely still have her enormous stuffed Opus on her bookshelf, and I miss her laughter. Maybe I’m sad because I am reminded that I have no blood relatives who are not my children who love me. Maybe I’m just sad. Why do I need a reason, and why must I only feel this way when the calendar says it makes sense for me to? Believe me, I would much rather know I would be  sad only on holidays, her birthday and her anniversary and the other days I would be the happiest person on earth.  But it doesn’t work that way. Yeah it was 16 years ago but I still remember every second of that day like it happened five minutes ago. God, how I want to forget!  There are always random days where something reminds me of what I’ve lost. Grief truly does ebb and flow but never goes away. So please don’t tell me what I need to do or when for getting through this tsunami of grief. Yes it was a long time ago but an event that turns your life upside down and inside out can’t just be gotten over. After next week I will return to my new normal self,  please be patient and don’t judge me for still feeling however I feel!

So until you really understand, you don’t really understand. You don’t get to tell me when it’s OK for me to be sad. My sadness comes when it wants whether it is her anniversary day or a random day. But it’s mine, not yours. I’ll deal with it the way I need to, as much or as little as I need to. You can help me by just saying you’re there for me. That’s all I want to hear.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Sad Saturday

  1. I’m there for you. This was a beautiful tribute to Angel Mom. Anniversaries mess us up – period. It doesn’t have to be the day of….our minds just start remembering things and sometimes so vividly, you almost feel you can reach out and touch them. It brings up all the grief again. I don’t want you to feel sad, but it is normal and we have to go through it sadly. It shows how much you love her! There is NO TIMELINE or LIMIT for our grief and don’t let anyone tell you so. I’ll miss my mom the very rest of my life. It’s something I’ll never apologize for – you either. It is something to be proud of…real love of a parent. I’m here and there’s a lot of us out here who do feel you. Love, Living Dilbert

    • Thanks LD. :* You know, this is one of those things you don’t want people to understand and be part of this Godawful club but you’re glad there are people who understand even though they are sad too and you’re sad for them. Although I feel I said goodbye I wasn’t expecting or prepared to do so, which has made it harder for me. I’m not saying it’s not as hard if you know loved ones are about to pass, I’m sure it is. But I have only ever known sudden loss so I can’t compare. Anyway…thanks.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s