I went red for my mom and grandmother, both lost too young. Who are you wearing red for?
Dear Peanut and Bird,
I imagine you may not remember I write this blog, so maybe I will have to show you one day. It is important to me that you know how I feel, and I worry you don’t “hear” me when I tell you.
It has been a difficult year, but you have both surprised me with how you have come to terms with everything. I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall if you will. But I am relieved too that it hasn’t.
Please know that you are the most important people in my life. I love you both so much and I fear that you don’t or won’t love me back as much. But all I can do is what I think is best and hope that one day you will be ok with me and my decisions.
I have agonized every step about how you will feel and how my decisions will affect you, please believe that. I have put you first though people will not believe me.
But, they are not living my life so they do not matter to me. You matter to me. I do not feel I have been a good mother to you, so I need to do what is best to make me happy, so then I can be the happy, loving mother you both deserve. Nanny always put me first and didn’t take care of herself and I remember her as mostly sad or angry, and I do not want you to remember me like that.
Please know that no matter what, I love you more than anything else in the world. I will do anything for you.
I am trying to do my best. I promise. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don’t, but I do try. There is no manual for parenting or life, and sometimes things change in not so good ways. All you can do is keep on and try to find a positive, there is always something to be thankful for. I am thankful that I was the one you were sent to, that I get to be mom to two special people!
I will always be your mother, and will always love you and like you too. That will not ever change. I can promise you that.
There are now two days that I have been afraid for my children and the world they are growing up in.
September 11, 2001 and November 8, 2016.
The first was a horrible act of terrorism against the United States that I could do nothing about. The second is a day I tried to do something about but I wasn’t enough to keep an obnoxious, disrespectful, unprofessional, racist chauvinist out of the White House.
I worry for the example he will set for my children and the things he will enforce that will affect their futures.
Let’s make America great again. . . . Yeah right.
Sorry for the long silence. Things have been a bit rough and I haven’t been able to write. This was written last year, but I felt too vulnerable publishing it. But now I think I need to, to help me as I try harder to stay in the present and not obsess over the past or worry about the future.
“All you had to do was say you’re sorry. I would have forgiven you.” Postcard on http://www.Postsecret.com
I didn’t become an orphan in the usual way, where both parents passed away at the same time. No, that label took 16 years to take hold, the first parent leaving when I was 13, the other parent leaving when I was 29. One left by choice, the other by circumstance.
The one who left by choice was the man who helped my mother have me. When he decided she wasn’t enough woman for him and walked out to be with his girlfriend, he turned my world upside down. I was 13, already dealing with hormones and body changes and mood swings and I didn’t understand. I was angry, and felt forced to spend time with him and felt like he didn’t want to be with me either. Then one day when he dropped me off after a particularly awkward “visit” he said, “I was never a 13 year old girl. I don’t know how to relate to you.” And those were his last words to me.
I have tried through the years to contact him because I couldn’t bear to not be in his life. I realize now he should have tried to contact me, because he couldn’t bear to not be in MY life. My college graduation, my first marriage, the celebration of earning a Master’s degree. I wrote so many letters, some I sent, some I didn’t because I was upset and afraid to send them, telling him, begging him, to come to these events, that nothing from the past would matter. And no response. I don’t know why I kept trying, to be honest. Maybe I thought he wasn’t getting the letters, that his new wife was intercepting them so if I kept trying maybe she would relent or he would get to the mail first. Then his mother died and the obituary said she was survived by one grandchild. I was the oldest of two. But though that hurt me, I still had hope that he would find me and say he was sorry, can we please start over and try to fix our relationship. And I would have!
But then on whatever day I had the service for AngelMom, I knew he would do something to show that he cared for her, for me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him there, it would distract from her if he did come and probably upset me more, but I hoped he would at least send flowers or a card or something. Again, no response, on the day I most needed one. Maybe he didn’t know where I lived but he could have sent something to the funeral home! So that is the day I decided he was dead to me and I was officially an orphan.
But deciding I was an orphan didn’t turn off the feelings completely, I guess because the mind knows you’re lying to yourself, that it’s not factual what you believe. Two months later I married Mr. G, and then a little over two years later I had Peanut, and then four years after that I had Bird, and through all these years I would see him around town. I so wanted to go up to him and say, here are your beautiful grandchildren that you will never have the joy of knowing! I looked just like him, he would always know me right? Of course he would! I never went up to him because I was afraid he would pretend he didn’t know me, and by rejecting me again he would reject my children as well and they didn’t deserve that. I couldn’t bear that. So I kept quiet and made myself miserable.
What’s funny is that those hateful last words put me on a path for what I thought was normal male behavior. Three boyfriends followed after he left us, one almost turned into a husband, and one did turn into a husband, and they all felt that I wasn’t enough for them and found another woman, yet I felt it was my fault. I was a teenager or in my early 20s, I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted, how could it be my fault???? Did any of them really love me? I don’t know. It made me distrustful and guarded and reluctant to love.
I did have positive male influence in my life, and I appreciate those men who were or still are in my life, and the new men who have accepted me as family! But it’s not the same as the blood relationship and believe it or not, Father’s Day is almost as unbearable as Mother’s Day! It’s the same ache, same jealousy I have watching other women with their mothers. My children will only have Mr. G’s parents as grandparents and that makes me sad. But unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t try anymore. He doesn’t want to be in my life. I have to accept it. And yet, I will still think of him today and wonder if he thinks of me too. I can’t help it. I wish I could. He has hurt me enough.
To the man who helped my mother have me: None of this is my fault. It’s yours. All you had to do was say you’re sorry.
So today is Peanut’s 14th birthday, and I have no idea how that even happened because 1. I just brought her home yesterday and 2. I am not old enough to have a 14-year-old! 😛
So I was kicking around some ideas like warning you to get off the roads in 2018 since she will be driving, gulp, or being kinda sad sappy remembering my sweet baby that used to be happy to see me. But then I thought, it’s a blog about her, maybe she would like to write something. And guess what, she did want to. So WordPress world, I’d like to introduce my favorite daughter, the Peanut of Yay! More Gray! 🙂 Minor edits the English Major in me couldn’t help, but her thoughts…..
This is Peanut and this is the awesomest thing ever I’m going to be old someday like that old guy from Up. U know that movie. Yeah well I’m fourteen today and I’m so excited to be with my friends and everybody AND I’M WRITING ON A Blog. I really AM getting older cause I NEVER get to write on a blog. I have to say my birthday went pretty well a lot of people said happy birthday and I got Dairy Queen and pretty little liars five years forward is premiering on my birthday which has to be the best! Plus this new series looks so cool it’s called Shadow hunters and it seems pretty cool. Anyway back to the old guy from Up He’s kinda awesome cuz he’s hilariously grumpy and his house is pulled by balloons and I don’t really connect with him I just wanted to reference him cuz he’s like the only cartoon old guy I remember from all the movies I have seen in my fourteen years of life. So shout out to the old guy (P. S. Sorry I forgot his name I only remember his wife’s name was Ellie) anyway he still has adventures as he’s getting older so I guess I hope my years as I get older I keep going on adventures and having fun. So now that I’ve gone on about my birthday I want to say something to everyone who reads my mom’s blog. I must say she makes me quite dramatic BUT I’M A TEENAGER IT’S WHAT COMES WITH THE AGE. Sorry mom u only have to deal with it for now. Not much I can do. I’ll try my hardest to be good but i guess I’ll come up with a saying since u think it’s pretty bad. Let’s call it the TRAUMATIC TEENS. Cuz u know… I am a TEEN. I can’t even believe it. Two years till I drive. Four years till graduation. Starting high school next year. As quoted by my mom only 36 YEARS till I can date. Yes that’s right. My parents are a little crazy.. I know. But I guess I’ll have to convince them. I mean I gotta say I pull off the lazy but outfit on the weekend so I might have guys after me soon and my messy crazy hair is pretty easy to pull people in too. *sarcasm intended* Oh well I guess they’ll have to be convinced. I’m sure you’ll hear about that from my mom.
So let me tell you 10 things about myself since I’m writing this right now and it’s pretty fun.
1. I LOVE donuts they are so amazing shoutout to maple donuts. I remember when I was younger every Friday we got a coupon from the newspaper for maple donuts and my dad would drive through the drive thru on the way to daycare in the morning and me and “Bird” as I was informed he goes by would chant DONUTS DONUTS until my dad each handed us our six donut holes. Two chocolate two glaze for me and five chocolate one glaze for Bird.
2. I recently fell in love again with One Direction. I mean Harry Styles is so darn cute and Louis Tomlinson is the perfect one and totally flawless. Then there’s Niall who will never change and Liam who now has facial hair but is just the romantic and adorable one. Shoutout to them too. Their new album Made in the AM is amazing.
3. I love Aeropostale and Hollister the most however bath and body Works is SO ADDICTING their scents are amazing and the sanitizers are cheap so I buy like five each time… Oops.
4. My favorite movie of 2015 was every one I’ve ever seen last year. I love every one and they’re all so amazing I can’t pick.
5. Furbaby G is my favorite little furry fatties ever. He’s so darn cute. He’s all muscle but I call him anything from (and don’t judge) fatty wop, fatty, fatty babes, and about 100 other names.
6. My favorite disney movie is probably Belle from beauty and the beast she’s so sweet and pretty and kinda resembles me with hair color and eyes and stuff. She’s pretty cool and gentle with beast. They’re couple goals. I ship them(in case you’re like my mom and don’t understand it means they look cute together and I agree they should date.)
7. Even though I’m 14 I wish I still had time to do webkinz or Barbie or something cuz I’m growing up too fast and I still love those as an inner child and I miss it.
8. My current favorite color is mint Green but I’m sure I’ll change my mind by like next week I love most colors anyway so it doesn’t matter.
9. I have some major issues with the sound of stryofoam, nail files, chalkboards, nails on paper, etc. I can’t go on its making me cringe I don’t understand how people can make those horrendous sounds and not almost kill their ears. I want to go deaf everytime.
10. I LOVE food. I love chips, ice cream, soda, cake, pasta, spaghetti, APPLESAUCE, frozen strawberries, broccoli, potatoes, corn, chex mix, basically any food that tastes good.
So that’s my life story(JK😂😛) BUT THAT’S MORE ABOUT ME!! I’m “Peanut” and like Looney tunes would close… That’s All Folks! Have a nice night everyone and enjoy growing older till up the old man from Up that everyone should strive to be.
– The Famous PEANUT😘💕👋
Bird likes a cartoon on the Cartoon Network called We Bare Bears. It’s about three bear brothers who talk and go out into the world and interact with humans. Perfectly believable! Sometimes they even have jobs like helping people place an order with customized cupcake vending machines! That actually sounds like a pretty cool idea but I digress.
So the cartoon isn’t too bad per today’s cartoon standards, though it’s not Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner or so I have heard since I am not old enough to remember the great cartoons! Ahem!
Boy lots of shiny objects today on this end of year eve eve!!!! 😛
Anyway. So the only thing that bothers me about the talking bears that go into the human world with no problems is that one is a grizzly bear, one is a panda bear, and one is a polar bear!
So yesterday I asked Bird if they were friends. He says no they are brothers! So I say Oh well they are all different kinds of bears! How can they be brothers? Because you know parents don’t have a clue what is going on in the world, even if it is a cartoon world with talking bears!
Then Peanut stated the obvious with OMG MOM! DIFFERENT DADS!!!!
Oh. How Beary obvious. Being able to make a pun slightly makes up for the fact that Peanut knows what having different fathers means.
I need a cupcake. Know any talking bears that can help me with the vending machine? Or maybe a coyote that knows how to order stuff?
Bird’s nine-year old mind is so endearingly bizarre!
I taught him how to make scrambled eggs and egg sandwiches, so lately one of these have been his preferred breakfast on Saturday mornings. He gets everything ready and chatters away like he does as I am trying to gulp my coffee so I can somewhat follow what he is chattering about.
So as I was making bacon he asks in his adorable little boy voice, Mommy know what would be cool? And before I can answer what he is already excitedly telling me that it would be cool if we could have never ending bacon in our pockets, and it would always be warm, and we would just break off the very tippy top so that the pocket fuzz would come off and we could just eat bacon whenever we wanted!
I did agree that was cool, but hated to waste even a tiny piece of bacon just because of pocket fuzz. I mean come on, it’s bacon! A little fuzz won’t kill us right?
After the rudeness and nasty comments I’ve been receiving from Peanut lately, it was good to get some good news today!
It seems that Nephew’s tumor has shrunk a tiny bit more! So that means he does not need to have another scan for 3 months! He can live and enjoy his life without so much worry about surgery, at least right now.
He is no means considered cancer free yet but it’s a heck of a great start! Thank you to anyone here who has prayed for or made a donation to support him. We appreciate all your support no matter how it’s received, and it has helped him keep his “I’m going to kick cancer’s freaking ass!!” attitude. Please keep praying!
Nine years ago when the doctor said, “Congratulations you have a beautiful, bouncing baby boy!” he sure wasn’t kidding. We should have named him Tigger but it doesn’t really go well with our last name. Plus he would have to go to Disney to find his name on anything. Which I guess wouldn’t be the most horrible thing to do!
This boy is still bouncing. He bounces off walls. He bounces anything round to see how high it bounces. He tries to bounce things that aren’t round. He probably dreams about bouncing!
So because he still loves to talk to me and has thought of something cool that he might be able to bounce, he excitedly asks me, “Mommy, wouldn’t it be cool if we could bounce on our heads????”
Me: Umm no. It would hurt a lot.
Bird/Tigger: Yeah but it would be so cool anyway if we could!
And off he bounced, probably thinking about what he could bounce off his feet as he bounced on his head and how cool he would look.