A Promise Letter to My Kids

Dear Peanut and Bird,  

I imagine you may not remember I write this blog, so maybe I will have to show you one day. It is important to me that you know how I feel, and I worry you don’t “hear” me when I tell you.  

It has been a difficult year, but you have both surprised me with how you have come to terms with everything. I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall if you will. But I am relieved too that it hasn’t. 

Please know that you are the most important people in my life. I love you both so much and I fear that you don’t or won’t love me back as much. But all I can do is what I think is best and hope that one day you will be ok with me and my decisions.  

I have agonized every step about how you will feel and how my decisions will affect you, please believe that. I have put you first though people will not believe me. 

But, they are not living my life so they do not matter to me. You matter to me. I do not feel I have been a good mother to you, so I need to do what is best to make me happy, so then I can be the happy, loving mother you both deserve. Nanny always put me first and didn’t take care of herself and I remember her as mostly sad or angry, and I do not want you to remember me like that.  

Please know that no matter what, I love you more than anything else in the world. I will do anything for you. 

I am trying to do my best. I promise. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don’t, but I do try. There is no manual for parenting or life, and sometimes things change in not so good ways. All you can do is keep on and try to find a positive, there is always something to be thankful for. I am thankful that I was the one you were sent to, that I get to be mom to two special people! 

I will always be your mother, and will always love you and like you too. That will not ever change. I can promise you that. 


Miss You Monday – 1/5/15

Dear Mom,

It’s hard to believe another year without you has started. 15 years into 2000s too!

It’s another year of having news to share and having to tell myself out loud so I can pretend you can hear. Another year of feeling like there’s just a little enthusiasm missing from the people I can tell. Another year of random loneliness and sadness. Another year of wondering why.

But this year has started off well with some good news and a new opportunity to change my path, so this year is not going to be just another year. I’ll still have random times of pain I’m sure but I’m striving to be more positive and focus more on what I have and less on what I’ve lost.

I still miss you, Mom.