Dear Peanut and Bird,
I imagine you may not remember I write this blog, so maybe I will have to show you one day. It is important to me that you know how I feel, and I worry you don’t “hear” me when I tell you.
It has been a difficult year, but you have both surprised me with how you have come to terms with everything. I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall if you will. But I am relieved too that it hasn’t.
Please know that you are the most important people in my life. I love you both so much and I fear that you don’t or won’t love me back as much. But all I can do is what I think is best and hope that one day you will be ok with me and my decisions.
I have agonized every step about how you will feel and how my decisions will affect you, please believe that. I have put you first though people will not believe me.
But, they are not living my life so they do not matter to me. You matter to me. I do not feel I have been a good mother to you, so I need to do what is best to make me happy, so then I can be the happy, loving mother you both deserve. Nanny always put me first and didn’t take care of herself and I remember her as mostly sad or angry, and I do not want you to remember me like that.
Please know that no matter what, I love you more than anything else in the world. I will do anything for you.
I am trying to do my best. I promise. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don’t, but I do try. There is no manual for parenting or life, and sometimes things change in not so good ways. All you can do is keep on and try to find a positive, there is always something to be thankful for. I am thankful that I was the one you were sent to, that I get to be mom to two special people!
I will always be your mother, and will always love you and like you too. That will not ever change. I can promise you that.
Yay! More Gray! 